Day 10

Reached my goal.

I found out why the threesome of last night didn’t work out – fear of success and fear of failing. In another sense, it’s because I’m afraid of hurting people. And the scale for the feeling of being hurt comes from very depressed people. So… I basically am afraid of just saying or doing ANYTHING to/with other people, IF I AM GETTING SOMETHING FROM IT. For example sex. Or money. Or business partners. Or love.

Wow, I’m fucked up… I (again) realized, that me becoming an addict is not a coincidence. My subconscious seems to really have a lot of scars, that have to be taking care of.

My next focus is on JUST DOING. Not without thinking, no. I want to be aware, WHEN I’m afraid or too “lazy” to do something and WHY I am this afraid/”lazy”.

First I’ll name the feeling and then I do it anyway. I want to show my subconscious, that my deep thoughts and doubts on that particular situation are not real anymore.

So, reached my goal, became angry and sad, and learned a lot about myself. Great day!